Acceptance in lieu of tears

I had a revelation this week thanks to my friend Miriam. I was explaining to her that as I face the 10-year anniversary of my life-changing bicycle accident in May 2012, I often wonder why previous tear-jerking events such as a boyfriend's break-up or a relative's death no longer provoke tears even though I feel sadness in my heart.
I sometimes feel like the heartless tinman in the Wizard of Oz. Things might be scrambled in my head but my bicycle accident did not affect my heart whatsoever. So it's been baffling me. Like part of my womanhood has been removed because tear-jerker films no longer jerk any tears from my eyes. My friend Miriam declared that it's most likely a new ACCEPTANCE I have for life's sad events. Because of my own losses and sad story, I accept these events as an extension of life, instead of a loss worthy of grieving. It's a transition of life's path rather than a loss.
When I hold people close to my heart and they physically leave me in this world, their place does not shift.

9/11 Memories

I can't say tears were flowing but I felt awfully choked up thanks to the television show commemorating 9/11 shown on its 10th anniversary last night. It hit hard because it made me remember 9/11 and the panic that surrounded the city on that day. I was not near ground zero but working on 26th street and the buses were paacked and they shut down the subways as a security precaution so I walked 50+ blocks home and was unable to reach my live-in boyfriend Wayne, which made me worry about his whereabouts and safety. Since he works in Manhattan commercial real estate I worried that he had been showing space to clients in the twin towers when the planes hit. But when I finally got to our Upper East side apartment he came home and I was extremely relieved. My family tried to reach me via phone but it was impossible with all the tied up phone lines trying to reach the city. But unlike thousands, we were safe and out of harm's way. The memories that would make a normal woman choke up and shed tears did not do the same to me despite all the emotion there.

I am a fitness lottery winner!

I feel like I won the fitness lottery. Trust me, I’ve been around the fitness block as a fitness writer and editor for the last 10-plus years. And I’ve finally found an exercise group and instructor who are perfect for me. No fitness fads or gimmicks either, just the a healthy exercise regime, suited just for for me, three days a week. Mind Your Body Pilates Studio. It’s perfect for me now because, not only do I get to spend three hours a week in mat classes with kind, like-minded students but the instructor, Jeannie Carpentier, is full of body knowledge and tailors the exercises to most benefit you and helps you move toward your fitness goals whether it’s to get rid of pesky aches and pains, or to become a stronger, fitter athlete.

In my recent discovery of the Pilates benefits, I have felt like a new member of an exclusive club without the pretentiousness. Perhaps a Pilates family is a better explanation. Jeannie, the matriarch of this supportive, fit family brings us all together and helps us function as a finely tuned unit. She is a mother to us in that she cares deeply about every member of the Pilates family and fosters bonding through Pilates exercise and friendship. She highlights the best in all of us and motivates us to reach our potential through our practice of Pilates. I never expected to have one of my first Pilates mat classes alongside an Olympian, but I did. Accomplished equestrian Bobby Costello was so gracious as I grunted through the Hundred, which is a Pilates classic move that challenges your core and your upper body. My Yoga and meditation helped me remember to use my breath to help me through physical challenges like this one. I also find breathing to be helpful in stressful situations. When life is tough – BREATHE! The other amazing discovery is I am sleeping more soundly than ever. Summer brings vacations and traveling, but I am sure happy Jeannie has mat classes year round! She is great at nudging us all to be compliant to experience the best benefits. I like that I am reminded of the correct ways and given modifications for movements, which will surely deliver results in strength and flexibility. I need an extra nudge here and there to stay on my fitness track--and now I've got one.

I’m convinced my new Pilates family will help me strive to improve in all areas of health like hydrating during these hot, 100-plus-degree summer days. Seriouly, on these hot Norh Carolina days, I’m tempted to not burn a single calorie by lounging all day near the air conditioning. Pilates has me moving, run-walking to classes and exercising my pup. I feel like I’m in the middle of a strength, health-makeover and I’m so thankful for it, because those cool New York days are behind me and now I am a healthy southern girl, y’all.

CORE LIFE LESSONS

Life seems really in sync! I was walking my new pup Bella around town and to the farmer's market, when I reacquainted myself once again with my Pilates instructor of six years ago, Jeannie Carpentier of MIND YOUR BODY PILATES. Bella became instant friends with her pup Savvy and we took pictures of them. We were both excited about our veggie basket. I found out we have a friend in common – Meagan. We three met up and enjoyed my latest crepe diet together. One conversation led to another and Bella ate my scone right out of my purse.

In our powwow I shared that I had been dreaming of a 2012 goal to try a tri.(I'm such a word geek that I can't help but LOVE the alliteration) I thought at my 10 year anniversary of my horrific triathlon—training accident, and in honor of my trek recovering—it was an awesome idea. I ran it past the girls. The brainstorming began … Jeannie has a bike collecting problem—I think I can keep those wheels turning and help her out. WOW, Jeannie would be a fabulous coach! Will my dream become a reality? My journey begins with Pilates mat classes at Jeannie’s studio three times a week. It’s next door to Beefeater’s so I can walk downtown AND I already have a mat waiting for me with my name on it. Jeannie and many others compliment me on my writing … she surprised me and asked me to help write a blog for the Pilates studio. This will be perfect bartering for my CORE training and will help me work toward my goals. I’m so excited to keep doing what I love to do—write. How can life be anymore synchronistic right now? It's freaking me out! I know I should NOT be shedding tears over all this good in my life but …DEEP BREATHS. Ahhh … this feels good. As Joseph Pilates put it: "Ideally, our muscles should obey our will." My will is whispering try tri in my ear on a constant basis as I look at May 2012 come up on the calendar. Therefore, Jeannie reappears in my life offering not only a new dog-loving comrade who is my exercise mentor.<http://www.facebook.com/MYBPilatesNC/> BUT she offers me help in completing my goal to get in tip top shape, fit enough to try a tri 10 yearslater. If I keep doing what I love to do- blogging for her studio (something she doesn't have time for between mat classes and private equipment lessonsand being civic minded). Regardless of whether I compete, life IS a race and I am headed toward the finish line. What a concept that I've fallen in love with!

Loving Life

Still coming down from a most excellent birthday party at Flynne's with great friends, great music, great wine, great crepes, great C-Cup cupcakes. So yes, I'm flying high two days into my 35th year. I made a new friend this morning, Meagan, and I'm hoping that it fills any gaps in my newly single life. Same goes with my sweet Bella pup, who accompanies me downtown, goes for wine, music, coffee & crepes at Flynne's Coffee Bar, even joined me for my favorite Bell Tree salad last night at Bell Tree. So I'm loving life and am excited about a possible Pilates blog prospect for the Mind Body Studio where I like to do Pilates. So life is looking good as I get ready to head out to my parents' place in Hoffman to celebrate my mother's birthday with her. Good times!

Broken heart+stress=no tears

Me oh my. I sigh as I face facts. Andrew & I broke up two days ago because he was/is just a depressed mess living with me, plus I frustrate him beyond belief. I am a people person. Surround me with folks and I'm thrilled. That comes from the fact I'm used to social chaos, being the oldest of five girls even though my sisters tell me I was always in escape-social-chaos-mode as a kid, constantly finding a place to curl up with a good book. I am happy I developed this habit because all the reading I did developed my reading and writing skills and probably hence created a writer in ME. But I see Andrew as the ultimate recluse who does NOT want to be around a constant communicator and touchy-feely person like myself. It was a clean break, not even a raised voice as he gave me his half of June rent, saying it was his last. So I inquired, "does that mean we are over too since we won't be roommates any longer?" He gave me a yes and that was that. To put this nicely, I did not shed a singletear, not to say that no tears were shed. I can thank my traumatic brain injury for making me look clueless and cold as I have had about five breakups, death in the family and loss of love and my favorite city and a great career as a national magazine editor taken away from me in the nine years since my accident. Andrew is packing, evidence that this is real not just a figment of my imaginative mind. So I'm sad our relationship, which began in November of 2009, is over. Clean break, yes, but scared to be returning to single life and looking for a roommate since I cannot afford to live here alone and I'm in love with the location, the space and privacy of my place so I CANNOT lose this place with its location, which is close enough to town, the gym and Maya's new house. I just need someone to help me pay all the bills. I really wish my new roomie dog Bella could contribute rent money in return for the walks, food and care I give her on a daily basis. I AM SAD that it is my 35th birthday eve and I'm alone in life without a committed partner at my side. Hopefully, no baby but a memoir authored by me is born soon.